The Dangers of the Automatic Response (a.k.a. The Quest for the Perfect Reply)

As you may have read in one of my previous blog entries, engaging in local conversations, however fleeting, brings with it challenges unique to somebody who isn't that familiar with American culture or who doesn't use English as a primary language. What I've found is that within the normal course of a day, situations that may seem ordinary and trivial have in fact the potential for embarassment.

A typical example: I'm a coffee-drinker, so once in a while I'd pass by McDonald's drive-thru on my way to work and get a cup of coffee, maybe even a sandwich. After I pay and get the stuff, just before I drive off, the lady at the window will send me off with "Have a nice day!" at which I–automatically–will reply with "You too." Now, let me just point out two important details here:

1. That my response was automatic–meaning, my mouth was uttering something while I'm half-thinking (if at all); and
2. That my response was "You too", my heretofore standard response.

The reason this is an embarrasment waiting to happen is that it didn't really matter what the lady said; she could've said "Thanks for buying at McDonald's" (or "There's something in your nose") and I still would've said "You too". Factor in a caffeine-starved brain and you begin to wonder how I even make it past "Good Morning".

Automatic responses–definitely not a good thing. Same goes with "You too". Such a short phrase with such potent consequences. I think it might have been part playing-safe and part laziness that I gravitated toward that auto-response. I think my thought process was, "People wouldn't greet or wish me ill, would they? So if they tell me something nice then I can just return the favor with 'You too' right?" Wrong.

The problem isn't really that people said bad things (remember, this is Upstate New York, where people are generally nice). The problem lies more in the appropriateness of the response. 'You too' can only get you so far. As embarassing as it is to admit (and at the risk of being disowned by my elementary and high school English teachers), I've been known to respond with "You too" to statements like:

• "Your waiter will be here shortly. Enjoy your dinner."
• "Thanks for dining at Chili's."
• "Here's your ticket. You guys enjoy the movie."

And don't think I haven't tried other responses. I was using "Thanks" for a while until I was asked a question and I said "Thanks!"

I even tried repeating the statement because I thought that would be a safe response. When somebody told me "Have a nice day" I replied with "Have a nice day too". Admittedly it works the same as "You too" but saying the whole statement I thought had a more sincere feel to it. But of course I ran into the same problems as with "You too", and worse, when I messed up I messed up big, precisely because I was repeating the whole statement:

"Let me know if you need anything. Enjoy your dinner."
"Enjoy your dinner too."

So now there's a self-imposed moratorium on auto-responses until I find a better one. In the process, though, I've rediscovered the value in that old library poster: "Speech is silver, silence is golden". Confronted with a non-question, it's surprising how far a simple smile can take you. What's more, you can even throw in a "Yup" every now and then.

Learning

A t-shirt isn't exactly the first place you'll look for when you want to find pearls of wisdom, but that's exactly where I found one recently. Proudly printed on a man's shirt was the pronouncement: "Everything I Needed to Know I Learned from the Three Stooges".

Who hasn't? Every time Moe attacks Curly's eyes with those two fingers, and Curly quickly blocks them with an open-palmed hand, aren't they teaching us something about Human Anatomy—that the width of a person's hand is longer than either the forefinger or the middle finger?

Or when Larry's head follows Curly's hand as it goes up and up and suddenly brings it down, aren't they teaching us Physics—specifically, the Law of Gravity—in that whatever goes up must come down?

And when they start hitting each other, one after the other, isn't that Social Justice in its purest form? For how can you more eloquently portray the adage, "What goes around comes around?"

When you think about it, everything around us—slapstick comedy included—is an instrument for learning, if we only view them as such. But that's not to dismiss the importance of the more conventional methods of learning such as books and audio-visual media. In fact, two of the things I've really appreciated since moving to the U.S. have been books and public television.

For starters, there's the libraries. Shelf upon shelf of up-to-date books—and videos—and every city/town has their own. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the type who'll be caught dead hanging out in libraries; I think the last time I was in a library back in Manila, I was still in college struggling with homework. Which makes it all the more remarkable that I now—voluntarily, mind you—frequent our local library to (what else?) borrow books and actually read them. Who knew?

And then there's PBS. Most Americans might consider PBS one of the most boring TV channels in existence. After all, why watch PBS when you can pass the time with Lost or My Name Is Earl (and I'm not even talking about cable)? But I've found some PBS programs to be both very interesting and educational. Programs such as Nova and even the occasional concerts have been surprisingly engaging. Clearly, this isn't the Kabayan Gerry Geronimo-hosted public television that I grew up with back home. Sure, I may have learned how to grow earthworms in my backyard, but compare that to learning how the universe started and you get my drift.

I wish there was some way to make these same programs available to people back home. Better yet, I wish that local educational programs are imbibed with the same production values as they are here. Admittedly, there are inherent economic hurdles that will need to be overcome, but what a hopeful thought to be able to give the Philippines' youth—its future, essentially—some of the best tools that will help them discover more of the wonderful world they live in.

The Economics of Pants

The average height of a Filipino is about 5 feet 5 inches. The average height of a Filipina is about 5 feet. Our American counterparts, on the other hand, are several inches taller at 5 feet 9 inches and 5 feet 4 inches respectively. So it stands to reason that when I go to the mall to buy pants, being the average Filipino that I am (heightwise, that is), I will never find a pair that are just the right length. Genetics, demography and the garment industry have all conspired to deprive this benefit from people like me who are on the far end of the statistical bell curve.

Of course, I can always have them altered. Problem is, I only buy pants when they're on sale (not that I can't afford them; it just goes against my moral values to pay regular price), so to have them altered would be like winning the battle against the JC Penney army but being ambushed on the way home by a squad from Joe's Tailoring.

To the uninitiated, a little perspective: The last time I had pants altered here it cost me $7. The last time I had pants altered back home (which wasn't so long ago) it cost 30 pesos. Assuming a P50-to-$1 exchange rate, that comes to 60 cents. Sixty cents! That's not even enough to buy a can of soda from the vending machine. So please pardon my animosity at the very necessary art of alteration—as I'm sure American tailors are very adept at their craft—but where I come from, P350 ($7) will get you more than a couple of holes and stitches.

Being the astute reader that you are, however, you've probably figured out by now that this moral conviction emanates from a person who is, deep-down, a cheapskate. And you will be right.

Truth is, just to save the couple of bucks I would've paid for the alteration, I will inevitably endure months of wearing ill-fitting, curly-legged pants whose ends will end up gnarled from brushing against concrete.

I've always thought somebody could make a killing doing cheap alterations for all the Filipinos in Upstate New York.